In 2011 I got to marry my best friend Tanner. He was amazing! The wedding was perfect and I seriously could not have asked for a better mate to share my life with.
We got married at The Curtis Hotel…and it was everything I wanted and more! I love it!!! I mean..just look at us! This picture is us walking over to the Denver Performing Arts Center to go take some pretty amazing pictures 🙂
A couple months after we were married I unexpectedly got pregnant. It really wasn’t a planned thing and to be honest…I was FREAKED OUT! ha h aha! I was so scared to tell Tanner…thinking he would be upset (I know that is absolutely ridiculous)…I guess I just wasn’t yet in the mindset that we were married and this was a good thing!
I finally got the nerve to tell him and he was MORE than ecstatic. The look on his face said it all..’I am gonna be a daddy!’ So from then on we started planning and getting incredibly excited!
My mom was elated…well my whole family was! We told friends and family but didn’t post on Facebook quite yet! Then…the crappy part happened….we went in for our appointment to hear the baby and the baby was gone. Our little bundle of joy that we wrapped our lives around was gone. It was the worst experience I have ever had in my entire life.
My Baby Went to Heaven before I could meet her.
It took quite a while for Tanner and me to really recover from this loss. A little bundle of joy that meant more than anything in the world…and yet we never met her. Miscarriage is not Fun. It may be common but it isn’t common to the woman losing her child. It is sensitive, scary and upsetting.
After that we started thinking about kids…do we want to legitimately try? We decided to and month after month we were disappointed with that darn pee stick. It became an emotional roller coaster and something I got completely sucked into. Feeling angry when everyone around me was getting pregnant, i felt alone and confused. I thought God was punishing me…i just was lost.
I was wanting to have a child so so bad….and constantly reverting back to when I lost our little baby. I kept thinking ‘why!? Why did this happen?? what did I do for this to happen!’
It was a terrible spot to be in and something really needed to change. I couldn’t be in this mentality forever..it was slowly eating away at me. It was so mentally unhealthy and I was in a dark place and missing out on life. I had to change. For me and for my husband.
To make a very long story short let’s come to the year 2016. After many tests from our doctor finding out we were perfectly healthy we finally bit the bullet and went in for an HSG test. This basically tells you if your tube paths are cleared. I was very scared going in…hoping for the best…scared for the worst. We found out that my right Fallopian Tube is blocked…i am not sure HOW blocked..but it is blocked. There are steps on clearing it but we decided it was time to take a step back and just chill. I also needed time to really take in what I was told.
It was a hard thing to swallow and my husband being the amazing hilarious man he is said ‘hey that just means we have only been trying HALF the time!” ha h aha! I love his humor and that he always sees the positive!
So we are now in Month 2 of taking a step back and relaxing before we start back at the doctors for our next steps. I have to say it has been a huge blessing that we made this decision…
The Reason being is that I have had some pretty big realizations this year….and it is only February! lol
I started realizing that I am really pushing things that maybe aren’t quite ready for me yet. I also started realizing that I am trying to control my life. . . and that just isn’t how it works. I am a woman of God and I need to realize my life is in HIS hands. He is Good. He is Great. He is the All Being. If I give up my life, worries and hopes to him then good will come of it. It may not be what I imagined..but it will be oh soo much better.
The hard part though is changing that mindset. I talk about mindset a lot…and really it is EVERYTHING. I started actually making a point to pray more, asking for guidance, hope and peace instead of asking to get pregnant. I kept thinking…maybe I am asking the wrong thing. So time to change…I asked for Happiness and for help on searching for what i needed in my life. To find inner peace that all this waiting is for a reason…I don’t know what that reason is…but I am praying a TON for the answer.
Another thing I have found is opening up….don’t hide your struggles. People are here in the world to help us, be with us and love us. Our struggles are hard..but when you have a community of people here to love you unconditionally it makes a world of a difference. For me…opening up and sharing my struggle with the world has been extremely therapeutic…in fact I have had so many people coming to me with words of wisdom, love and strength. I now feel connected to some amazing people that want to help me through this, that want to offer strength and love.
My Journey is just that…it is mine. It is beautiful, hard and fulfilling. It has filled me with strength, more love than I ever thought and perseverance.
Being able to go on this journey though with my husband and with my family and friends has made a HUGE impact on my life. The only regret I have is that I should have been open right away instead of shutting down and closing off. That was a mistake I will never make again. We are still on this journey of fertility but each day gets bright and our path does get clearer. I am grateful for that and I am grateful for the love and support I have surrounding me.
The one thing that I am going to start doing is writing more about this journey I am on…so that I can share it with you guys..who knows maybe one of you are on this same path!